Dear Lifetime, call me
Swim moms! Come on you know you want to. Forget about my kids *I* want to be on Swim Moms! Way more entertaining than Dance Moms. Let me list a few reasons why:
1. I would totally wear an asymmetrical black dress with platforms. On a pool deck. At an indoor pool. I would LOVE for the excuse to do it. I would rock the “way the hell over dressed look”.
2. Want me to fake fight with stupid parents? OK. And I can make it look totally real. I do mean totally real.
3. I have connections. I know the perfect person to play the part of Abby Lee. It’s a dude. He is just as unpleasant and just as hot.
4. I can hook your ass up with advertisers. I spend the entire summer out in the sun. I am sure you would have no problems talking the Botox quacks into paying big bucks and free injections for product placement.
5. I can school Christi in the art of sarcasm and zingers. I would take her down in a battle of wit. I don’t even think she writes her own smartassisms. I do. (she has 94k followers on twitter, I have 79, I feel I can develop a much closer bond with “my people”.)
6. Five pounds and I can totally pull of a bathing suit on tv. Oh shit, ten I forgot TV adds five lbs. I hope they feed those kids on dance moms! Swimmers might be lean but they damn sure have some stately shoulders.
7. The pyramid for swimmers would be so much easier to create. We don’t DO artistic impression. Totally overrated in swimming.
8. As moms we are used to our kids performing in something no bigger than a bathing suit! Tech suits are three sizes smaller than that!
9. Filming time at practice would be cut down significantly. The pool closes at 9. They don’t care if the kids don’t know their solo. Screw group pieces.
And last but not least, our summer meets last until well past ten and we really hate holding flashlights on the pool. We would totally love a lighting crew. I am on the outs with our summer team right now. This would be a great way to get me back “in”.
I have a secret that promises drama. Please come.