This is NOT Toddlers and Tiaras

Not only do I let my kids watch Toddlers and Tiaras but I encourage it! I want them to see what it looks like when mom doesn’t workout, doesn’t have all of her teeth or marries a man who likes to wear pink (and sparkles).

It backfired. Now my girls are begging me to let them do a pageant.

This is not going to happen. Why you ask? Let me tell you why. There is no way in hell I am letting my kids be judged based on the way they look. I mean, they would win and shit and that wouldn’t be fair. More importantly though, pageants aren’t a sport.

I am starting to doubt swimming is either.

My daughter curls or flatirons her hair before practice (but never both).

She wears skinny jeans to dryland (as a personal trainer, group fitness instructor AND the owner of, none of this makes any sense to me).

Waterproof mascara? The norm.

12. Yes. She is 12. Couldn’t point to a boy in her group and call him by name so it obviously isn’t a boy.

Favorite pastime with her swim friends – going to the mall and buying things at Abercrombie and Fitch. Doesn’t matter what as long as it is a tank top, yoga pants or skinny jeans.

It’s a freaking pageant before the meet, after the meet, and let’s be real – in between races.

We don’t “do” Red Bull and Pixie Sticks. Too trailer park. Swimming is a high class sport – we do Starbucks, Godiva and Swedish Fish.

Screw ribbons, we are changing the kids names to Brialeighanna, Haileyashleigha, and Lovelyfastswimmer (Tiara names at their finest). Give me a goddamn tiara. I am wearing the bitch home.

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