I totally have my goggles…

I view much of my life in terms of classes.  I teach group fitness classes to help pay for my kids swimming.  The endorphin rush I get from working out also keeps me somewhat sane and pleasant.  My motto?  “Happy mom, happy kids”.  Swimming costs me about 200 classes a year.  In other words I have to teach about 200 classes a year to pay for my kids swimming.  (One would think I would look better in a bathing suit than I do).  This doesn’t include gear.

Every September we purchase all new gear.  I swear they should do swimmers registries.  I haven’t bought baby crap for a really really long time but I loved walking into the store and saying I want this, this, this and two of those!  And the UPS man would just deliver all of this useless shit to my house.  Yes, useless shit.

Once you have paid for swim team, swimming seems like a cheap sport.  Bathing suit, cap and goggles right?

Not so fast.  Let’s look this over a little closer:

Suits – Kid is swimming 5 days a week.  In chlorine.  We go through about 6 practice suits a year.

Goggles – One pair.  Check.  Until they leak or break.  Or nervous kid chews through strap.  Maybe a back up pair.  Or three.

Kickboard – One.  indestructible.  They never lose this and there are always 100 floating around.

Fins – One.  Pair.

Cap – One would work but I have girls.  You know where I am going with this.  They need to match their practice suit.

All the other crap – These are all the “nice” but not “need” to have items.   Swim bag, flip flops, mini shampoo and conditioner, towels, hair brush and cell phone (Temple Run anyone?)

And the most useless piece of crap ever – The mesh bag.

It holds all the crap.  All neat and organized.  Because we all know swimmers are so organized and never lose shit.  The mesh bag I have found EXPEDITES the crap loss.

Grace lost her mesh bag.  It contained cap, goggles, fins and kickboard.

Me to Grace – check locker room, lost and found and front desk.

Grace to me – KK (this means ok?)

Next day…

Me to Grace – did you check?

Grace to me – yeah, totally lost.

One last-ditch effort, Me to Grace – you checked all the places I asked?  Eyeroll….

Off we went to replace everything.  As we are loading it all on the counter I made a last moment decision to put the mesh bag away.  I felt like she needed to lose everything the hard way next time, piece by piece.   The moment we got home I insisted Grace SHARPIE her name on everything.

Fast forward a week and we are at a meet at our home pool.  I was shooting the shit with the front desk crew talking about how airheaded swimmers are.   Mr. Headofthefrontdeskdude laughed and said, no kidding, someone left a mesh bag full of crap here a week ago and hasn’t claimed it…ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???????????

My 12-year-old is way too cool to ever hang out with me at a meet but I can text her (I am not allowed to talk to her in front of her friends).

So I text homegirl.  K-Did you ask the front desk if they found your mesh bag? G-yeah. K-for reals? G-duh.

That’s when I snapped a photo of said bag and texted that to her.

Turns out mesh bags hold three pair of goggles, two practice suits, four caps, a kick board and a wet dollar.  Who knew?  Couple hunderd bucks worth of shit.  8 spin classes.  My ass isn’t getting any smaller.  (and to answer the question you are dying to know, why didn’t I just return everything I bought the second time…one word, sharpie).

My favorite place to shop:


My kids prefer this:


Lucky for me, I have yet to see one that actually works.

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