My 7 year old is blackmailing me to get a technical suit.

Valentine’s Day is the dumbest damn holiday.  My kids got more candy on Valentine’s Day than they did on Trick or Treat!  And no one sent me the memo that I was supposed to get my kids a present.  Yeah.  So, we didn’t.

They came running down on Valentine’s Day screaming “We love you”.  No wait, they didn’t.  They were yelling “What did you buy us for Valentine’s Day.  Yeah.Nothing.At.All.

Quick on my feet, I tell my husband “let’s tell them that we went to buy them new practice suits yesterday but they had so many cool new ones in that we decided to let them pick their own!”  I don’t know how I came up with this so fast but it was a total win-win because not only do they like buying new practice suits, but they actually need them!

What I didn’t count on was little miss Sophie being within ear shot.  She kept this information to herself.  For a while.  She then approached me alone, while I was shopping on (knowing that I would likely say yes to just about anything) and said “instead of a practice suit I want a tech suit”.  Nordstrom didn’t have anything that I couldn’t live with out on this particular Thursday so I happened to hear her.  “What huh?” I say.  Her –  “I WANT a tech suit!”

Just so you know, when I see a kid doing a 49 second 25 back stroke at a mini meet wearing a tech suit, I think to myself those parents should be shot!  A suit isn’t going to help this kid shave 2 seconds off much less the 20 seconds she needs to!  I mean REALLY?!?!   A tech suit for a 7-year-old!?!?!  We held out until Grace was 12 and Sarah couldn’t care less (she does want a $100 bag to carry a soccer ball around in though).  There is no way in hell I am shelling out $120 for a suit for a 7-year-old.

Back to the story.   She looks me square in the eye with those steely eyes of hers and says…”I will tell Grace and Sarah you forgot Valentine’s Day.

My palms turned sweaty.  I started to get a little nervous and my heart skipped half a beat.  I am really panicking at this point.  Then I remember that I don’t give a shit.

I look my other two square in the eye and say, “remember when I told you I wanted you to pick your own suits?  It was a total lie.  Dad and I didn’t buy you a thing”.  (They should learn how to self gift, as luck would have it I DID find some new shoes and thanks to Nordstrom free shipping I was wearing them two days later).  Take that blondie.  I am not afraid of you.

My oldest walked off with a smirk on her face.  I’m starting to think she was in on it.

You MISSED my race???????????

Don’t lie.  Everyone of us have missed our kids races!  And about half the time the kid figures it out.  How do they do that?

I missed Sophie race one summer evening.  She came up to me all kinds of pissed off.

YOU MISSED MY RACE!  She screamed in tears…HOW COULD YOU?

Gee, I don’t know let me think about this…

1.   There are 75 girls at this meet that are 8 and under
2.   74 of them are wearing navy blue suits, white caps and goggles.  (One mom was smart enough to put her kid in yellow and that bitch didn’t miss her kid swim)
3.  It lasted 24 seconds.  It is 10 PM and we got here at 3:30.  Sorry my eyes weren’t glued to friggin pool the WHOLE night.
4.  At 7:30 someone broke out some grown up juice that was straight vodka.
5.  Your sister was asking me for the 53 rd time if Abbey could spend the night, could she have money for nachos, could dad pick her up and if we could go out to eat.
6.  I spent the last hour in a state best described as coma because none of you have swam for the past three hours.
7.  I finally decided I couldn’t hold it any longer and decided to go into the nasty ass bathrooms and pee.
8.  On the way out I bumped into an old friend from college.

And right then, just then did I see you coming out of the water.  Damn, I am sorry.  But this shit happens.  Get over it.

If you did miss the race and your kid didn’t notice, here are some good questions to get you off the hook:

I couldn’t quite see the time, what was it?  …… That’s what I thought!
How did it feel?
How do you think you did?
What do you think you could have done different?
What did coach say?

Then give them ten bucks for concessions.

Note to self:  Screw the team suit.  Get the loudest, brightest, ugliest suit off the clearance rack.  Wear it to the meets.  Tell the coach you were racing out the door and the team suit was NO WHERE TO BE FOUND.  Swimmers are known for losing shit.  They won’t question this….

How not to miss your kid swim

You’re a loser baby

Just got this email from one of our rec soccer coach:

Dear Parents,

I understand your disappoint and frustration with our season this year. The girls have gone from being undefeated for two years to a season without a single win. We were quite simply outplayed this season.

That being said, I hope that you can see the improvements our team has made throughout this season. The girls are playing as a team, playing hard and playing smart. I look forward to our spring session.

Coach Awesome

I immediately replied “who the hell complained”. Immediate response “everyone but you”.

I freaking hate team sports. It is so confusing to me… A few things happen:

The team and my kid play for shit – I blame everyone, kid blames the team

The team plays awesome my kid plays for shit – I blame my kid, she blames her best friend for telling her she looks funny

The team plays for shit my kid plays awesome – We should quit swimming and play travel soccer – world cup baby!

Team plays well my kid plays awesome – It was the red bull and pixie sticks before the game

Aside from that, I could give a rats ass if we lose. We swim.

We lose. We only lose. I don’t even know what the hell winning is. Maybe gold medal at the Olympics. Maybe. But who the hell wins in swimming? We live in DC metro. Even if you DO get first at a meet, there are 10 other meets running that same day all over the area. Chances are pretty good that someone, somewhere is kicking your ass! And someone out in California is kicking theirs.

Think I am lying? Ever see a national record be set? NO? I bet you have. You were probably playing on your ipad, reading a book, texting, sleeping, buying nachos or sitting outside getting some fresh air. I went to a meet recently and several national records were being set. About 10% of the people there were paying attention. No banners fell from the ceiling, no music played and no American Idol confetti fell from the sky. A few people clapped and then do you know what happened? The next race started. The moment of glory? More like a nanosecond.

I hope that when you go to a swim meet you watch your kid. You hope they do their best. Cheer for your friends kids and don’t be happy when other kids do bad. Winning isn’t everything. As a matter of fact, it isn’t anything.

What is the difference between a swimmer and a baby giraffe?

Baby Giraffes are coordinated.

Swimmers – arms and legs everywhere. They need the water to actually slow the flailing arms and legs down.

Which makes a rainy, non swimming weekend one hella boring. I posted some photos of some delicious baked goods we made. I know you are jealous. Seriously though, what the hell is there to do on a cold, rainy Saturday without a practice or a meet? We spent most of the day thinking about it.

Ice skating? No. My kids can’t stand on two feet in tennis shoes. What makes you think they could twirl around the ice on tiny blades. Besides, Junior Olympics are coming up. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

Does this look like an activity for a swimmer? Before Junior Olympics????

Bowling? My 12-year-old is 5’7″. If eye hand coordination were our strong suit don’t you think she would play basketball or volleyball? We duck when balls are thrown at us. I don’t need them swinging 12 lb balls behind them. Plus, that is really hard on the shoulders. What with Junior Olympics coming up and all.

This is how swimmers roll.

We could go see a movie. Right, as a family. Dad and I are cool. Coolish. (and none of you have any money). I know, none of us can sit still for 15 minutes let alone 2 hours but it *might be* fun.

How about we go watch metros? High school swimmers setting National Records? Who knew three girls could roll their eyes is unison.

I know, let’s go to the cool indoor pool with all the fun waterslides and diving boards. Yeah, the one you practice at 7 days a week. Won’t that be fun? No need to get angry, it was just an idea.

Since we haven’t been to the grocery store in 5 weeks, how about a family trip to Costco. Free samples. I might even splurge and buy you a slice of pizza.

The mall is out, we already own all of the yoga pants and skinny jeans that Hollister and Abercrombie sell.

Thank you swim gods for giving us meets the next four weekends. I know we bitch about them but that is all for show.

This is NOT Toddlers and Tiaras

Not only do I let my kids watch Toddlers and Tiaras but I encourage it! I want them to see what it looks like when mom doesn’t workout, doesn’t have all of her teeth or marries a man who likes to wear pink (and sparkles).

It backfired. Now my girls are begging me to let them do a pageant.

This is not going to happen. Why you ask? Let me tell you why. There is no way in hell I am letting my kids be judged based on the way they look. I mean, they would win and shit and that wouldn’t be fair. More importantly though, pageants aren’t a sport.

I am starting to doubt swimming is either.

My daughter curls or flatirons her hair before practice (but never both).

She wears skinny jeans to dryland (as a personal trainer, group fitness instructor AND the owner of, none of this makes any sense to me).

Waterproof mascara? The norm.

12. Yes. She is 12. Couldn’t point to a boy in her group and call him by name so it obviously isn’t a boy.

Favorite pastime with her swim friends – going to the mall and buying things at Abercrombie and Fitch. Doesn’t matter what as long as it is a tank top, yoga pants or skinny jeans.

It’s a freaking pageant before the meet, after the meet, and let’s be real – in between races.

We don’t “do” Red Bull and Pixie Sticks. Too trailer park. Swimming is a high class sport – we do Starbucks, Godiva and Swedish Fish.

Screw ribbons, we are changing the kids names to Brialeighanna, Haileyashleigha, and Lovelyfastswimmer (Tiara names at their finest). Give me a goddamn tiara. I am wearing the bitch home.

Worth sharing

I wish I could take credit for this one!

In the shit swimmers don’t say they forgot:

Thanks mom for being so happy to drive me to practice at 4:30 AM

Thanks mom for driving across town/state/region/country to see me swim

Thanks mom for spending every last dime you have on replacement goggles for me (500 pairs)

Thanks mom for spending an entire day looking at hairy ass cracks to watch me swim a 29 second race.

What else did they miss?  (Although, very funny despite the lack of missed gratitude to dear ole mom, well done!)

The Team Spirit Caravan

Who the hell came up with the idea of writing all over the car with car makers the night before a big meet?  Who fucking cares if you have team spirit, this isn’t the damn homecoming parade.  For some reason though the kids LOVE writing all over the car with markers (as if they haven’t done enough damage to the inside of the car they somehow feel the need to destroy the outside too).

Being the awesome mother that I am (I was probably having a contraband glass of wine truth be told and couldn’t be bothered) I told the kids to have at it.

And this is what I got:

Whoo hoo!  Go Dophlines!  Who says swimmers aren’t dumb?

PS It took me a week to notice I was driving around town with Dolphins spelled incorrectly on my window.

And, for your information, if you leave this paint on too long (6 plus months) it never comes off.  Traded it in this way.