I am 42. And 3/4. In other words, almost 43. Old. Not a trophy wife. My husband is actually younger. By almost a year.
But I am the wife that collects the trophies.
I think trophies are stupid. Rec soccer? Trophy. Three kids in it? Three identical trophies. None are actually earned for doing something magnificent, they are just given out – quite freely. I am a bitch. I think all of these trophies are stupid. And my kids know it.
Am I a bad mom? I have already claimed the worst mother in America title, I am totally fine with it. But I think trophies, ribbons and plaques are just down right stupid. Unless they are earned. For instance, soccer tournament won. Trophy earned. Lose every game in the tournament? You lost. Save the trophy for the winners.
We changed swim teams last year. The owner of the old team called my husband Steve. Not his name. He spelled our last name incorrectly. Half the time. And for some of my kids. At the very least, the girls, my husband and I are all related. And as such, all five of us spell our last name the same.
My girls are clearly as jaded and cynical as I am. At the end of the year banquet last year, Grace got her trophies and came and sat next to me and said “for mother’s day I think we should buy you an engraver”. Elliott, a quite simple last name, was spelled with one T. For all three.
We thought about spelling our name: Elliotttwotees. It has a nice ring to it.
If, and I do mean IF, you are going to hand out trophies, spell the kids freaking name right. If there is any doubt, refer to the $4K in checks we have written you in the past year. Our name happens to be spelled correctly on every freaking one of them.
I guess I am not really bitching about the stupid trophies that are handed out like candy but rather the inability for anyone to get our freaking names right. College educated people who collect money from us on a regular basis screw it up. Think I am kidding? Take a look at these two photos. Not only are my kids names totally screwed up but the crazy assed names of their peers? Totally right. If you see me at an awards ceremony with a bad attitude, trust me, I earned it.