The running commentary of my children

“Michael Phelps needs to quit swimming and find a wife, he is too old to be swimming he needs to get a job”

“Is diving safe?”

“They wouldn’t get wedgies in beach volleyball if their bottoms weren’t so small”

“Is swimming EVER going to come on?”

“We would be British if the pilgrims didn’t run away from home”.

“if I go to the Olympics do you think they will spell my name right on the cap?”

“Jumping far into sand is a sport? They should jump past it so they don’t get dirty”.

“Tennis is the best sport, they wear pretty dresses ”

“Is that a real girl?”

“Are you going to watch any of these shows they are previewing?”

“You need to have perfect aim when you run that fast.”

“Why don’t they have a world record line in running? It seems like a waste of money to only use it in swimming,”

“if I go to the Olympics can I get an Olympic tatoo?”

Facebook brings out the worst in people

Including me.

I think there is a fine line between being proud of your children and bragging about them.  In reality, we are all very proud of our children and in the interest of being honest, bragging about them is pretty fun too.  Bragging though should be kept to a small circle of people.  Like two.  Maybe three.

I won’t bore you with the details but I have one facebook acquaintance who posts complete bull shit brags about her child.  Everyone who swims with them knows it is bullshit.  I have no idea why she does it.  Nor do I care.

I want to know why it bugs the shit out of me!  It drives me up the wall.  I know better.  I know I shouldn’t care but I do.  And that pisses me off.  I know what you are going to say, I should unfriend her or hide her if it bugs me that much.  Ok, I find it a little entertaining too.  Mostly annoying.  Make her stop…

Terms of endearment

Don’t you love little kidisms?  You know, those adorable little words and phrases that don’t have any proper place in the English language but they are too cute to correct?

One of my new favorites:


v.  Versed, versing, verse

1. To occupy oneself in amusement, sport, or other recreation

2. To take part in a game
It took me a moment to comprehend it.  We had a soccer game this morning and Sophie was talking to her bestie.  Her bestie said “why are we versing this team again, we versed them last week”?
Last week the other team actually schooled them on the game of soccer, we lost – a lot to nothing.
It turns out that the practice that occurred on Wednesday, otherwise known as the most chaotic two hours of my life, was worth attending.  It also turns out that it was a good thing we got to verse this team again because this time the little grammar butchers prevailed!

Homework is hard for me

I have a hard time with my kids homework. Especially using the spelling words in a sentence. Fortunately, they are pretty good at it and don’t need too much help.

Sophie’s writing journal was laying out and I randomly turned to a page.

She wrote:

March 14

Tell me about your luckiest day.

I got 4th in 25 fly with 1 breath. I dove into the water. I took one breath and touched the wall. My coach and my mom were so proud of me!

I was. I am even more proud that she loves to swim. It makes it all worthwhile.

Today was my luckiest day!


How do you like them apples?

Kids who swim aren’t shy in the bathroom.  They will change clothes or pee in front of anyone.  If you have ever seen a kid trying to put on a tech suit while their body is wet, you know exactly what I mean.

Sophie was changing out of her suit the other day.  I happened to be in the locker room at the time and saw her naked butt sitting on the bench.  I had her get up and explained the bench was full of butt germs.  A few moments later a lady came in, pulled an apple out of her bag, sat it on the bench, put her back back in the locker and then picked up the apple and….yep, took a bite.

Sophie had that look on her face, you know the one, the one that says “I am getting ready to say something that will embarrass the hell out of you”.  I whisked her out of the bathroom.  I will never look at an apple the same again.

I cleaned the girls bathroom today.  The upside of swimming is the free hot showers after practice.  Despite the fact that they never shower at home, their bathroom is disgusting.  I had to use bleach, scrub brushes, gloves and even a putty knife to spruce things up.  What would it be like if they actually used it?

It is clean enough to eat off the floor now.  Even an apple.  I give it 24 hours tops.

Party Foul

My girls love a good party. Me? I see every missed invite as $20 in my wallet and a free afternoon.

The first thing we do when we plan a party is look at the calendar. As a matter of fact, the swim meet schedule is my homepage on the computer and my phone. I can’t plan a trip to Target without consulting if.

The girls were invited recently to a sleepover birthday party on a meet weekend. Sarah’s warm ups were at 6:30 AM. The mother was shocked that I wouldn’t let her stay. Did I mention her daughter was also supposed to swim? They scratched the Sunday meet. We did not.

Last year there was a Daisy Scout function that took place the same time as a soccer game. Half the team chose the Scout function over soccer leaving the team one player short. Sophie got quite a workout that day. The team lost but I can’t help but feel that the girls that played won.

Am I alone? I feel like if you commit to sports they should supersede parties and such right!?!

Grace just got invited to a Bat Mitzvah that is during the 11-12 girls session at a long course meet hosted by our club. The Bat Mitzvah is for a fellow swimmer. I thought her mother had surely screwed on the date. I was petrified of how I was going to break it to Grace that she was probably expected to swim.

For the first time the decision about which was more important, a party or a sporting event, was taken out of my hands. The coaches decided the kids who were 11-12 would swim Friday night and Sunday. This is the first long course meet of the season and the kids just started training. They were given permission to attend the event on Saturday.

I should feel relieved. I still am a little uneasy about the decision. Grace will be missing 100 back and 50 free. Two events that she has a real shot at qualifying for zones. She never does things the easy way, she usually needs a few swims to get it right.

I made a vow to be a little harder on her during long course season. She really wants Zones. She also really wants to participate in her friends important day.

I know I need to trust the coaches. Right?

I like to swim too

Grace often laments that people don’t “get” what she does. Not just kids but adults as well. Often times when people ask what she does and she responds back with “I am a swimmer” they often reply “oh I like to swim too”.

I am starting to understand the bond between swimmers. I see an unspoken respect between them that I haven’t noticed in other sports. People “get” other sports.

How do you explain to non-swimmers the difference between hanging out at the summer pool vs a two hour practice? How do you detail the isolation and solitude of swimming to someone who plays sharks and minnows with their friends? Try explaining how one tenth of a second, a moment in time so small that most people can’t even make a sound that quickly, can change everything?

Only a swimmer can truly understand what it means to be a swimmer. I am so grateful that my husband convinced me this was a worthy sport for our girls. I only began to really understand the sport about a year ago.

I admit I still have a ways to go but I am always learning

Me, I am not a swimmer. But I love it.

I thought turning 40 was a bad birthday

It wasn’t until my kids starting swimming did I learn what a “bad” birthday was. I always thought 40 was it! Boy was I wrong.

So what makes a bad birthday?

For starters odd years are bad! Forty is obviously good as I would be top end of my age group. Who knew older was better? No age group for old people? Shit. Good thing I can’t swim. I also wish I was only 40.

I also have a late summer birthday, which is great for summer swim team but kind of sucks for fall meets. Again, if you are like me and don’t swim at least you have a nice tan for birthday photos!

It always humors me to hear kids sitting about talking about why their birthday is bad. They are kids – they are all great when you are a kid. Well, not if you are a swimmer.

Speaking of birthdays, the “7 yer old butterfly champ” of my house turns 8 tomorrow. I bought her a Hello Kitty bathing suit. It is a good birthday for me and I am going to enjoy every moment of this year because I feel like this is the last year I am going to have a “little” girl. Bittersweet. I don’t think Hello Kitty warns the heart at 9.

Happy birthday baby girl.

(For the record, NO I would never let my kids practice in a Hello Kitty suit, don’t be judging me).

The Butterfly Champion of the

A kid can be the butterfly champion of darn close to anything:

Backyard pool
6 and under summer team
Entire county
Whole zone
Big fat region
Entire world
Own mind
Momma’s family

Little Sophie makes a face every time she meets a kid credited with the “Butterfly Champion of blah blah blah”. Because she has already claimed that title for herself. I might have something to do with that, I convinced her at the age of 7 that she was my fly girl. Yeah, she be looking so fly. Superfly. And that’s where the name flylikeagirl came from. I knew you were wondering.

Grace is a backstroker and I knew Baby Got Back wouldn’t win me any awards. Sarah just learned to say she liked breaststroke without giggling.

I don’t swim but if I did I would be a flyer. Better theme songs.

Campus Tour

Chris and I did the only reasonable thing we could on this vacation. We left the kids with his family and headed to Tucson for two nights.

No trip to Tucson is complete without the world famous tour of the University of Arizona. It started at the bookstore with a large purchase of gear for the kids. Two U of A swimming and diving shirts and one soccer shirt (although I have wisely talked Sarah into playing soccer at my school – UNCW, someone needs to be near the beach). We are now of course broke.

Next stop on our tour 4th avenue. Which is apparently where all the “hip and trendy” hang out. Translation, great area to buy a bong, get a tattoo or a body piercing. “Luckily” we spent all of our money at the bookstore. The bars were understandably empty, it was only 6:30. I am sure things were hopping later in the night, this is just an assumption because hopping is well past my bed time.

We then did a drive by tour of the fascinating places my husband lived. I thought the places had been condemned. Twenty years ago. Kids still lived there.

I have come to the realization that I have turned into a fuddy duddy. I am absolutely petrified about send my girls off to college. I hope they are smart enough not to buy bongs although it didn’t seem to hurt Phelps.

I also did the math and the year Sophie goes to college I can move straight into a 55 plus community. Nice.