When it doesn’t rain, it pours.

I know I once said I hate carpools.  I really do.  Because I find carpools end up working like this…I drive other people’s little monsters all over the place.

The other day though I needed help.  I had about 120 miles worth of driving to do in a two-hour time period.  Kids were everywhere.

Usually it rains on Wednesday.  Which is a good thing.  Because when it rains they all go to swim practice.  When it doesn’t rain, it pours.  Buckets of chaos.  This week was particularly bad.  In addition to one swim practices we also had two soccer practices and a parent meeting for summer swim team that we all needed to attend.

This is how it went down.

At 4:50 I drove all three of my kids to friend A’s house.  I left Sarah at A’s and A took Sarah to soccer.  I then went to friend B’s house and picked up her kid.  I drove her kid, Grace and Sophie to the pool and dropped Grace off.  I then drove Sophie and B’s kid to C’s house and dropped them off.  C’s husband then walked the kids to soccer.

I drove alone, belting out the new Justin Bieber song at the top of my lungs (until I realized I was alone and turned on Gotye) to the parent meeting.

This is where it gets good.  Friend B met my friend A and picked up Sarah.  Friend C grabbed Sophie and A’s kid.  And friend D picked Grace up and they were all brought to the parent meeting.  Before you accuse me of using my friends, they were all coming to the meeting.

The kids were totally confused by the whole thing.  In one of my finer parenting moments I said “If someone you know offers to bring you to me, take them up on it, otherwise you are screwed”.

The mother of the year trophy should be arriving any day.  I hope they spell our last name right.

Get Your own Damn Ride

Everyone needs one, has one or used to have one – a carpool.

If you don’t have a carpool yet, get one.   Swimmers swim.  A lot.  Unless you can walk to the pool from your house (and if you plan to sell it, call me) there is no way you want to spend this much time at a pool.  It is hot, humid and the same damn people are there every single day.  With the same bratty non swimming siblings who run up and down the freaking hallway because they are bored out of their minds.  You can read, provided you can find a nice quiet place but most of these people never shut up.  I don’t.   Find a carpool.  Get the swim taxi magnet.  It is hysterical.  For a week.

Now you have a carpool.  Instead of listening to the adults who talk incessantly about their swim stars, the car is now filled with the mindless ranting of  7 kids aged 9-12.  They scream, they sing “I am sexy and I know it” and they talk about themselves non-stop.  They destroy your car with Gatorade spills and Power Bar mashed into the seats.  They chant McDonald’s over and over on the way home until the car drives itself through the drive through because it can’t take it anymore.  You begin premixing cocktails before you leave the house so you can start the Vodka drip the minute you get home.  The carpool has to end.

If you are smart, you will end yours by changing swim teams and not telling anyone!  Driving to the pool seven days a week is complete bliss when the only kids fighting in the car belong to you.   Keep the magnet, you earned it.  The hard way.

None of this applies if you are able to negotiate a carpool which I have coined “the Allison”.  “the Allison” mom has a master’s degree in  logistics and is able to mastermind a carpool in which her car remains in the garage seven days a week.  She doesn’t even know where the pool is.  “the Allison” will always have a leg of the carpool which she is able to get out of at a moments notice!  If you have worked the carpool gods such that you don’t do a thing, pat yourself on the back.  Bold and clever move.

(names have been change to protect the greedy who make me drive their kids everywhere!)