The last time that happened…

No never.

All three girls are swimming in the A meet this Saturday for our summer swim team.  This will be the first time ever that all three girls swam at the same time and place.  With the girls being two years apart they are never in the same age group.  Rarely do I have two in the same session.  From time to time we even have simultaneous meets in different locations.  All three girls at once – never.

I am pretty excited about it. I did have to warn the coach Sophie was prone to crying after races that didn’t go her away.  Fingers crossed for no 8-year-old shit fits this weekend.

I am of course running concessions.  I got some of those massive pixie sticks.  We may have a Toddlers and Tiara’s moment here and there.  Saturday won’t get here soon enough, I can’t wait!


Yes, that was bad. High five.

Sophie had a welcome to summer mini meet yesterday – our first outdoor meet of the season.  We had a really quiet weekend and the weather was absolutely perfect, 82 degrees.  I gathered the entire family and we all went together to the meet.  Well, after we woke Sophie up.

She had a girls scout sleepover the night before at a campground.  This is not something I would normally sign up for the night before a meet but the sleepover was originally scheduled for the weekend before.  When the sleepover changed weekends I debated cancelling the plans for either the meet or the sleepover.  And then I didn’t.  She is 8.  How bad could it be?

She walked in the door from the sleepover and burst into tears.  So did I.  She smelled like she slept in the campfire.  She was exhausted.  After a nice hot bath I got her into my bed and got her to take a nap.  When it was time to leave she was still asleep.  We finally woke her up and got her to the meet.

She warmed up and seemed ok.  Then she swam her first race.  She looked like a cat that had been thrown in the water.  Two races later, nothing had improved.  After she finished fly, she came running to me in tears.  “I swam horrible”.  No denying that.  We talked about what she did wrong, hugged, high-fived bought a ginormous pixie stick and went home.  My 8-year-old swam terrible.  So what?

We should have had the pixie stick first.  And a Red Bull.

The upside of the meet?  Grace later posted on facebook that “swim meets are boring unless you are swimming in them” AND she thanked me for all the meets I sit through.  WIN!

Thirty minutes before warm-ups!

This is NOT Toddlers and Tiaras

Not only do I let my kids watch Toddlers and Tiaras but I encourage it! I want them to see what it looks like when mom doesn’t workout, doesn’t have all of her teeth or marries a man who likes to wear pink (and sparkles).

It backfired. Now my girls are begging me to let them do a pageant.

This is not going to happen. Why you ask? Let me tell you why. There is no way in hell I am letting my kids be judged based on the way they look. I mean, they would win and shit and that wouldn’t be fair. More importantly though, pageants aren’t a sport.

I am starting to doubt swimming is either.

My daughter curls or flatirons her hair before practice (but never both).

She wears skinny jeans to dryland (as a personal trainer, group fitness instructor AND the owner of, none of this makes any sense to me).

Waterproof mascara? The norm.

12. Yes. She is 12. Couldn’t point to a boy in her group and call him by name so it obviously isn’t a boy.

Favorite pastime with her swim friends – going to the mall and buying things at Abercrombie and Fitch. Doesn’t matter what as long as it is a tank top, yoga pants or skinny jeans.

It’s a freaking pageant before the meet, after the meet, and let’s be real – in between races.

We don’t “do” Red Bull and Pixie Sticks. Too trailer park. Swimming is a high class sport – we do Starbucks, Godiva and Swedish Fish.

Screw ribbons, we are changing the kids names to Brialeighanna, Haileyashleigha, and Lovelyfastswimmer (Tiara names at their finest). Give me a goddamn tiara. I am wearing the bitch home.